another slice of hope dashed. i shouldn't have expected more but i still did. i shouldn't have been thinking about it even now though it was years back. but, i thought perhaps i still had a chance. after this, it brings me to thinking that perhaps the gap between us is so much greater than i thought. i thought that after all these years apart there might be some part of you still thinking of me. how wrong i was. you've changed. i wouldn't say i haven't. but this increases the distance between us. you apparently have someone in mind and i shouldn't harbour hopes of you turning back. but, in the deepest part of me i'm still hoping there's still that small chance of me and you. recently met someone from my past and all memories started flooding back.

he doesn't know that things happened in the past had a huge impact on me.
the way i think and see things, my personality today, my need for security.
and that after so long, i am still very much in touch with all that he's been through and stuff. i thought i was already over what happened in the past and that we weren't meant to be. but after that recent incident i realised i wasn't. all i've been doing these years is to put so many things and events on myself so that i wouldn't think.

back to the cold real truth. i'm just simply not good enough. he's got all that a girl wants in a guy.
musically inclined (extremely), sporty, gentle, humorous, good-looking, hot (like very) and the list goes on. not to forget his melancholy side that most would see as sensitivity. and i, am just an ordinary girl who can't match up in various aspects like studies and musical skills. yes, i'm unique because i am myself, but many do not think so. i am weird in their eyes, someone who doesn't fit in. but what kind of person am i in his eyes? i'll never know. after all that has happened, i'm always putting an optimistic front and moving on with life. but, am i? i don't know.

here's something that totally characterizes what's going on now: teardrops on my guitar - taylor swift

Drew looks at me,
I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing
Everything that we should be

I'll bet she's beautiful,
That girl he talks about
And she's got everything
That I have to live without

Drew talks to me,
I laugh cause it's so damn funny
That I can't even see
Anyone when he's with me

He says he's so in love,
He's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's
All I think about at night

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing,
Don't know why I do

Drew walks by me,
Can't he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be

She'd better hold him tight,
Give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes
And know she's lucky cause

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing,
Don't know why I do

So I drive home alone,
As I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight

'Cuz He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing,
Don't know why I do


He's the time taken up but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into.

Drew looks at me,
I fake a smile so he won't see one month since the last post. today's post is STILL going to be about syf.

but this time is NYJC's. we got gold (without honours). but it was expected.



abit messy at the end and i think it was a tad too loud. but at least musicality was there and we enjoyed our performance.



no time to have a super longg post.

edit//
shucks. com died and photos gone. fuck. total high-ness today.
reason: beatty military band. :D

yeaps went for syf today. to watch la =P.
beatty military band was first band of the day.
i was kinda worried the whole of last night and slept like ard 12am?
woke up early ard 6am and rushed to beatty.

listened to their final run through. sounded not bad. (:
went to SCH with them and waited and waited.
queued for tickets too. and munsyi came too!
so total had ard like 20 people?

2007/2008 batch: munsyi, dawei, mingyang, liping, liyi and me! basically all e woodwinds graduates
2004/2005: seowling, huixin, susanna, carolyn
a whole bunch of tutor for the various sections (sorry!)
and mr pisit.

*skip skip*

kept my fingers crossed throughout their performance.
they did quite alright. more expressions and could feel the emotions coming from those kiddos.
which was good.

watched more bands. orchid park wind orchestra was good too, but i felt their overture 2 was too fast, didnt really capture what kelly tang wanted.
tampines was like wow.
commonwealth also. but somehow they were a bit too loud

*skip skip*
waited for results while band went back to beatty.
emcee talked and talked. so much tension in the air. ugh
announcement of results by order of appearance.
so it went
Band No. 98, Beatty Secondary School.
*pause*
SILVER.
*pause* (split second one mind you)

then,
*SCREAMS!* mostly coming from liyi and me.
*shocked* everyone else

and,
*SCREAMS!* everyone else!
*tears of joy* laoban, me
*WE GOT SILVER!!!!!!!* the guys mostly.
started sms-ing the bandsmen back in beatty. woot

we tried to control until end of results.
came out of the hall and hugged everyone around.
everyone as in beatty people.

okays. basically everyone got silver in the AM session.
except Tampines (gold) and ngee ann (bronze).

yeah so we started calling. we called leonard tan via boss's phone.
we woke him up in his sleep. it's 12am there in US then.
boss was like "hello leonard, this is vanessa. we got.."
everyone else "SILVER!!!"
and the outside of the hall had our echo!
woot. damn cool i tell you.
and i think leonard tan was abit scared by us alr. =P

after which we all cabbed back to beatty.
that's the difference between bronze and silver okay.
bronze = mrt + walk back to beatty.
silver = cab STRAIGHT into beatty.

reached beatty with a whole bunch of kiddos welcoming us at the foyer.
wow. hahas excitement's high in the air.
and those kiddos were giving us their accounts of what happened when they received the news.
most of them in class. jovan's reaction was the funniest.

it went,
received sms: we got silver.
jovan: we got silver?
bangs table! shouts to chengfei in class: we got SILVER! whoooo~
and RUNS out of class!
wooooow right. hahas

anw it's a memorable day for all of us. we finally broke through our bronze streak like after 20 years? last gold or silver was in 1987 i think. then bronze all the way.
also we broke our "curse". no funny accidents or incidents like sudden injuries suffered by bandsmen and flickering lights in band room. :D
im glad.

beatty military band has made our mark. finally.
tmr will be the day we'll be able to lift our heads high again.
goodbye to criticism from other ccas!

all these hard work was worth it.
the scoldings, the smiles, the laughter, the tears, the crazy camps, the sectionals, the combined sessions, the times we had together.
how i miss my secondary school days. good old days man.
especially the times with my saxy-foon section. :D
the silent laughter behind the stands, the quacks, the passing of messages, the sharing of everything (well almost everything), the fun of sectionals and camps, the birthday celebrations.
oh man i'm getting emotional.
it's just that overwhelming-ness.
funny/weird/crazy feelings.

one day, we'll be the gold with honours band again.
i'm sure we can do it! right kiddos? (:

p.s: remember all the effort behind this silver. dont forget the journey. it's supeeeer fun i'm telling you.
though a bit sianz in the morning when the bloody teacher who kept "anti-climax" our high-ness.

and hey madagascar's our theme this year!
so all the classes are split into 4 tribes.
which is alex the lion, melman the giraffe, gloria the hippo and marty the zebra!
and i'm in 0912 for the next 2 years. currently in marty tribe group 3.
and beatty's sam is in the same class! as well as 6e'04's roy!
woots. met a whole hell lot of ppl today!
gan eng seng's carmel and kai hwee, chung cheng main's joanne, adrian.
and loads more. marty 3's like not quite bonded YET. it's like 8 guys and 17 girls.
YES YOU READ IT CORRECTLY. omgz.

had morning assembly. then dialogue session with the windbag p. but we ended it super early. like one hour earlier cos nobody has questions to ask him. hahas. then icebreakers @ ispace. where we did wacko and learnt cheers. like only 3 cheers learnt. =.=lll and the cheers were freaking complicated i tell you. only the black stripes white stripes one is easy. the hey marty! and shabuya one was ugh. tough i tell you.

went for lunch with marty 3. but kai hwee, carmel and i queued for a bloody longgg time at e chicken paradise stall. why? those ogls were cutting our queue! =.= lols what wonderful role models man. so jumped ship to another queue. and by the time we got our food. our marty 3 ppl had alr finished eating. so much for eating tgt.

had circuit games around school after lunch. i feel that marty tribe isnt very high lor. partly cos our ogls are pretty toned down also. ): then had mass dance. and i kinda 'choop' roy as my dance partner cos if we dont, we'll get paired up with e north vista guy (which is a bit like koh you liang in beatty). so ugh. and we girls in front faster got to choose our guys.

then that joanne got kinda pissed off with me i guess. cos she diao-ed me. LOLS. i suppose she likes roy bah. kept like going up to him whenever we arent doing any activity. in short, just sticking to him la. i guess he doesnt know, cant blame him.

mass dance was fun fun fun! though i was at e back and cant really see e council ppl on stage. so roy kinda helped me out by watching and teaching me the moves. and it's super cool luh the moves! and the music's nice too! hsm 3's a night to remember! and the dance moves got trickier by the minute cos martyS were moved to the back of the hall. soo our ogls came to the rescue! hahas. (: and roy's a great dance partner. im kinda glad i got him cos he's really nice! helps me with my dance moves and forgives me for doing all the wrong steps! and we kinda survived the mass dance with e fast music cos we discussed how to get certain steps right in an easier way. (: yays. MASS DANCE WAS THE MOST FUN THING TODAY IN NYJC!

hahas! best thing about this week is no lectures and homework! :D except for get-ed! seminars on friday ): but nevermind, back to beatty for band and im accompanying them to SCH for rehearsal before going to work.

oh yes, speaking of work. i ended it all with ah liang on sat. laoban's right, he's not right for me.
he's a fucking two-timer man. the thing i couldn't stand was the lie about last friday. he told me he wanted to stay at home and sleep, but he asked sharon (the new girl at workplace) out. and the scariest thing about him is that he told me and sharon 2 completely different stories about himself. like he told me he stays with his female cousin, and told her he stays with male friends. i only knew this on sat when sharon told me about rc and billy wooing her. and guess what? billy(to her) = ah liang (to me). LOLS. and he's got a super ugh english name can. LOL. thank god i didnt listen to him on cny day one at his house and sat on e couch with him. otherwise i would have really been 'eaten up' there.

man i get soooooo pissed off whenever i think about this. lesson learnt: never judge a book by its cover. he's quite good looking but ugh he's a mitch seriously. anyway i deserve someone wayyyyy better than this idiot here. soooo yeah liyi, i shall wait patiently for my mr. right and not rushing into a relationship at jc anyways. (though there are quite a no. of good catches here. hahas! eye-candy for me bah.)

the most infuriating thing at work now is that everyone's gossiping about me. many thanks to that bloody ye lin (gossip & act cute queen). super da xiao jie can. and HELLO you arent that pretty can. LOLS. anw sometimes i think the kitchen ppl are blind. =.=lll and she always tell me off for going into the kitchen to 'gompah gompah' when i didnt, and she herself went inside for 2 hours to 'gompah' on sunday. well i shan't go down to that bitch's level. soooo there idiot. LOLS u like ah liang right? you can have him for all i care man.

hahas i think i sound superrrrrrr bitchy now. probably in total bitch mode now.

anyways SENTOSA TMR! that's the coolest thing in this week. and my reporting time's 1030 tmr. superrrrrr cool right? (agree with me man). hahas! so that's all for now and i'm off to pack my bag for tmr!

Designer: doughnutcrazy

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